Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
do herpes really smell.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
