so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
