Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
