There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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