3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
third nipple confirmed
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
