Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
