a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
