One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
