Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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