I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
