allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
