So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
