my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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