Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
