I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
