One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
