i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
