Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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