the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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