should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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