you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
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