I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
