if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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