Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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