My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
