I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol