You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it