Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Randomize
