Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
