u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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