I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
