Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
there's paper in my vomit.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
