i think i scared a bird with my dick
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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