i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Randomize
