Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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