matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
