the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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