Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
