I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
