Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
