the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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