Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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