I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
sarcasm needs its own font
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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