If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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