it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
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That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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