I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
