i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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