sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
