dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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