so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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