hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
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he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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