Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think i scared a bird with my dick
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
