eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
