It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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