Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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