i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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