Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
