never play flip cup with pint glasses
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
