he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
