Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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